What stops us from getting what we need?

Live Interview with Nicole Greenfield-Smith: Part Three

This is the third instalment of a fantastic interview/conversation I had over on Nicole Greenfield Smiths Summit recently! Check out the blog for more.

“It’s all about the stories we tell ourselves because our narrative becomes our reality.”

Why are we afraid to give ourselves permission to get what we need? 

Such a great question! So to my mind, there’s a sort of internal dissonance, I think. As human beings, we know what we need (not always but mostly – even when we tell ourselves we don’t for fear of wanting something), but we are also scared to give ourselves that thing. I think the fear bit might be based around what it says about us?

I (these days) allow myself to ask for help – don’t get me wrong, I’m still a work in progress and I shy away sometimes when it comes to emotional struggle but for the most part if I need help with something I will seek it. I’m pretty black and white about it, the worst that can ‘actually’ happen is that people will say no. That’s it. But, of course, we often create a different narrative around the situation. Asking for help means something about me; It means I am no good at this or that, I cannot do it alone, I am weak, I am unworthy. That’s the fear. That, in asking for help, it ultimately compounds that already deep existing fear that we are not worthy.

I also think it’s about permission, which has been coming up a lot for me recently. So many of us do not give ourselves permission to do the things we want and need. I think this is often because we’ve grown up in family households, where a certain way of life was familiar to us. It feels normal and familiar to us that we don’t have lots of support. Sometimes it’s normal to ask that we are scolded for asking for something. All of this tends to leave us believing that we do not get our needs met or, even worse, that we do not deserve to get our needs met. Subconsciously, this continues into adulthood.

I mean I could write a whole other blog post about how we have the choice to actually begin by meeting our own needs, honouring ourselves enough to know that our truest, most trustworthy support comes from within and that asking for help is just a part of you loving yourself enough to get your own needs met but perhaps that’s for a different day.

In essence though, we are herd animals, if you get real primal about it, we need community and we thrive when we have a supportive network. We need to know that we can take care of ourselves for the most part but that it’s ok and actually necessary to lean on others sometimes. That’s where true success begins.

We can learn so much from each other. You know, one of the reasons that human beings are so successful is because of Communication and Community? This is the juicy stuff that facilitates the spreading of ideas, the sharing of resources and that’s what has made us so incredibly successful as a species. So, it makes perfect sense that that’s what would make us successful in business, right? But truthfully, so many of us have not been unwanted given the gift of feeling comfortable about asking for help and getting our needs met. 

I had a great conversation with one of the ladies in the group about self-harming and self-sabotaging personalities. She said, ‘there’s no such thing’ and of course, there isn’t, because ultimately, the human brain is designed to keep us safe. Unfortunately, what feels safe to us is what feels familiar to us. And if we’ve grown up with that kind of environment surrounding us, that’s what we seek out subconsciously. And that’s why I believe that one of the most important things is to bring our conscious awareness to our internal conversation. What are our belief systems? What are the things that are holding us back? Why do we think we don’t deserve to have a beautiful community and a loving supportive network? Why do we think we don’t deserve that? All of us does deserve and need it. 

It’s all about the stories we tell ourselves because our narrative becomes our reality. Which, when you realise that our stories are made up with very little actual evidence (or wonky evidence, at best), is bonkers right??

I have developed my inner knowing over many years. And I know I am worthy of support and of love. I have value that has nothing to do with anyone else or any external thing. It has taken a lot of therapy, self reflection and big decision making but truthfully it’s within all of us. We create our own reality. How empowering is that? We just have to decide that we deserve it (you do by the way, in case you were wondering!).

I hope you’ve enjoyed a little wander through my brainscape, there’s more to come from this fabulous conversation so stay tuned! 

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Find Nicoles Group here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/becomingforwomeninbusiness/ where you can watch her full Simmit on Replay!

And her website here: https://www.theconfidencecraft.com/

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